when i'm alone...

this is what goes on my mind when i think about loneliness.

i'm not that alone, but i feel it most of the time. it's not suffering. rather, i think it's a great way to stay focused. i've tried, but i cannot think deeply, work hard, or do something great unless i'm alone for a while. it's hard. it's really hard. but it's worth it. in this essay, which has come entirely from my heart, i'm going to write about its difficulty and what i feel most of the time.

when i'm alone, i'm not unhappy. i'm usually reading, writing, coding, thinking, or dreaming. that's how i am, and it's not a new thing. as far as i can remember, i have always needed time to think. i believe that's the ultimate goal in the world for me: to be allowed to think, think, and think. but i know that's not going to happen unless i do many things to afford it in the near or distant future.

when i'm alone, i usually think about the reasons behind things — the whys. why did that person tell me that sentence? why did that person interpret my sentence in that way? why did i say that sentence? why did i do that work? why did i react in that manner? i'm thinking about these questions to improve my thoughts and myself as a final product. i'm also searching for ways to improve others. and all i've done in these ways has come from those lonely days.

when i'm alone, i feel comfortable, and i really need more of it. many times i tried to be alone (far from social media and people) for 3-5 days a month, but i couldn't because i've unfortunately had some commitments and had to be online or onsite. but in the future, i'll definitely set aside some days completely off to just think. i should also emphasize that i'm not going to do it because it's fun for me; i'm going to do it because that will change everything, like it did in the past.

when i'm alone, i become more humble. when hanging out with people, talking many hours to them, i think that i'm productive and doing something good. but those activities will kill my humbleness if i do them for a long time. i truly feel how humble i am, and i want to maximize it. this is why i'm committed to having some hours or days off to think about how flawed i am, how small i am, and how much better i can perform. that has created some blessed moments for me, and i'll continue this practice in the future.

i’ll write more on it in the future, because that’s a big part of my life. but you can write me your thoughts at sina80mor@gmail.com and i’ll read them, totally.

sina
october 4, 2024